I used to be a woman of vision. I’d get a clear picture in my head, and from that picture, the details gushed down so fast that it felt I had no choice but to start hustling. I had enough passion to spur others to join whatever endeavor I was moving towards, and sure enough, I was able to get a lot of projects off and running.I was hard-working and motivated enough to keep going for long hours, getting things done so that I could move on to… well, getting more things done.
I was the busiest person on the planet!
Then there were days where I’d wake up with a soul so heavy that the weight of it paralyzed me. I could do little on those days except maybe weep, scribble down a few words on paper and try to muster the energy to make breakfast for my kids and fill the dogs’ water bowls. In my head, I’d do an overhaul of my life and wonder if all the hustle was worth the cost of my peace of mind, of my family’s well-being, of my life.
I’d stay in that place for a couple of days, then ramp up again when the demands of responsibilities overtook the demands of my soul. I’d read something convicting or “download” a motivational thought out of thin air and I’d share it with my team and off we went! That is, we’d ride the wave until it crashed again.
It wasn’t always depression; sometimes it was mom-guilt.
I’d switch gears for a few days and fully engage with my family, trying to make up for the busy days with expectations so high that I ended up snapping at my kids when it didn’t go exactly like it had played out in my head. Visionary people can be demanding.
It was a stop and go cycle. I was jealous of the other “boss-moms” who could compartmentalize enough to keep consistent at their goals. At least it looked that way. Why couldn’t I ride just one of the many waves of success that I experienced? What kept me from cashing in on all the passion and hard work? I would get my answers soon enough, but I’ll share more about that another time.
What I want you to know is that there is a more life-giving way to live out your dreams. While it may not be as “sexy” as what you see from all the successful people out there, it doesn’t infringe on your Being.The kind of success to which I refer is about becoming the whole-hearted human God created you to be. It is about experiencing all the good things; peace and harmony and contentedness.
When your True Self is aligned with your intention, then your purpose becomes clear. Then when all that is aligned, you are free to give from a place of abundance. You will learn to self-replenish because when you trust your body and the still small voice inside you, you will yield to its whispers. You will, like Jesus, learn to submit to God’s will and timing in a way that resists the pressures of this world. You won’t always get it “right” but you will become a learner, knowing that making decisions is more about the process than the results.
A learner’s mindset asks “What did this situation have to teach me?”,
“How can I posture myself to listen to God’s purpose for my life?”
A judger’s mindset asks, “What is wrong with me?”,
“Why can’t I be more like so-and-so?”
Do you see how one is an invitation to grow and the other tends to paint us into a dead-end?
There is a price to pay, though, when you choose to live this way. You will be asked to throw out everything you’ve learned about tackling your dreams. You will be asked to let go in ways you never thought you could let go.
For this reason, many women believe they will never attain the abundant life Jesus promises. I get that. Five years ago, I thought my life was so complicated that no amount of good advice could poke a hole in the tangly webs of my life. They weren’t webs of sin, they were webs of good works, expectations, lists of “shoulds” and “oughts”. I had people depending on me. I had money that I needed to make. I had a team I couldn’t let down. I had family members counting on all my good work. It felt like everything was at stake.
It felt selfish to drop everything just so that I could tend to myself. It was the antithesis of what I believed the Christian life should be.
In the words of quaker and advocate, Parker Palmer, “Anything anyone can do on behalf of True Self is done ultimately in the service of others.” How true this is! Many vulnerable and marginalized people have been served because of my vision and passion, despite my shortcomings. I’m thankful for that era of my life. But I was so busy serving the world that I failed to see that the ones who needed me most were the ones under my roof. The thing is, vision and passion aren’t as effective when it comes to loving our people well. Nope.
The best thing we can do for our kids is live out our authentic selves and teach them to do the same. Unfortunately, this world, especially the West, sets us up for failure. We are really good at education, sports, going to church, extra-curricular activities, college, goal-setting but it all comes at the cost of nurturing their identity in Christ. We teach them to do, do, do much to the neglect of tending to their Being. I want my children to be connected to themselves, to God and to each other. Contrary to popular belief, the best way to help them achieve this is by working on ourselves! My kids will be the first to tell you that I parent them much differently than I did even a year ago. I asked the older three to drop a quick text and this is what they sent.
“You are not judgmental like you used to be.”
“You seem to have more peace and often more patience.”
“More apologetic and gracious.”
“Not controlling.”
“In a better mood.”
While I may not be winning any “Parent of the Year Award” I can tell you I am more proud of these one-line descriptions than of any other “good work” I’ve done. I know the amount of inner work it took to get to a place where I SEE my kids and not try to change or fix them.
I learned how fearfully I used to lead my family. With fear comes control, criticism, imposing my desires, being a pusher that scares away the inner being of the ones she loves most. If my kids don't look good, then I don't look good. Ouch! Maybe I am making myself sound worse than I was, but what I can tell you is that I realize now that there are only two real emotions: fear and love. Even though I thought I was loving well by pushing my agenda, being overprotective, having high expectations, it was really fear masking itself as love. John sums it up perfectly:
“Love never brings fear, for fear is always related to punishment. But love’s perfection drives the fear of punishment far from our hearts…our love for others is our grateful response to the love God first demonstrated to us.” 1 John 4:8,9 TPT
Do you see that, friend? We must first learn to graciously accept the love God gives us before we can perfectly love our people. My inner work started with just that: learning to accept God’s love. I am still learning. Even as I write this I am afraid of what you will think of me. Vulnerability invites judgment and concern but for those of you who relate to any of this, I hope it makes you feel seen and heard.
The question I ask myself is this: “What’s got me feeling afraid when God’s hand has led me to this place?” “What are some ways to counteract the fear?” A learner mindset asks a lot of questions and postures herself to experience the answers as they come.
And since we are asking questions, I want to leave you with a few:
How do you define success? Once you come up with a definition, ask yourself how your life reflects your answer?
How fulfilled are you at this point in your life? What one thing is in your power to change that would bring you closer to feeling fulfilled? Once you identify it, write down what is keeping you from changing?
Is there any part of what I wrote that resonates with you? What about it struck a chord?
Finally, what are you willing to let go of so that you can posture yourself to do the inner work? If you can’t answer this, it’s okay.
Now, I am going to give you one tiny task:
This week, turn these questions over to God. Ask it once and sit in the silence. Sometimes the silence will feel thick with his presence, other times you may feel a bit coo-coo. Trust that God is doing something in the silence, even if you don’t feel it. Trust that he is opening your mind.
Mark 7:34 tells of Jesus healing a deaf and mute man. He looks up to heaven and breathes a single word: “Ephphatha”, which means “Be opened.” Ask God to open you. Keep asking. I get excited thinking about what will be revealed to you when you press into that request. When your heart and mind open, you become less constricted, less afraid. Tighten your fist for a few seconds. How does it feel? Now release the grip and loosely open your hand and hold it there. Now, how does it feel? There is a reason we worship with open hands and not closed fists. The thing is, we forget to keep our hands open as we live out our days.
I no longer consider myself a woman of vision. While that was unsettling at first, I am learning to sense my way through the world. I am learning to experience all the ways God reveals Himself to me and to wait, wait, wait. I am the most fulfilled and content I have been in my life; not plagued by my past and hopeful to receive more of God’s goodness, no matter what that looks like. It’s a good place to be and I want to share with you what led me here.
We must first start with redefining success in our lives. For me, success is being the healthiest, most whole-hearted person that I can be so that I can love as clearly as I can, without fear, so that others will feel empowered to do the same.
Instead of forging ahead like I have in the past, I am following the breadcrumbs. These aren’t just any breadcrumbs, they come from the body of the One who claimed me as His own before I was born.
As a Spiritual Director, I’m trained to accompany people who follow their own trail of Jesus bread, I help them to clear the path so they can see the One who holds the loaf of Life-Giving bread. Let’s follow along together.
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